OK so you have probably heard of "S*** my dad says".
If not, its a blog that a guy started, recording things that his dad said on a daily basis. His dad is 73, grumpy and hilarious. Since there is quite a bit of swearing, I though I would post a few of them, censored! Enjoy!
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
"I think the baby crapped....Well, I'm smelling crap right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big problem."
"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's crap."
"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop complaining, or no strawberry, that's the deal."
"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
"How should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic eyes."
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for nothing. Just sat there. Big let down."