Friday, August 27, 2010

Ramblings of an overtired wife.

Maybe its because I still have sleep lines on my face from my very needed nap, or just because I'm missing Andrew and dreaming of how beautiful life is when hes around.

(He has only left me for a week, don't worry. Hes up north hunting moose)

but I'm dreaming of the beauty in life.

Simple things.

The color of the sky, what the rain smelt like today.

The jars at our wedding, the laughter and pure joy that that day carried.

Our wedding pictures which capture Andrew and I so perfectly.

I'm also dreaming about the future

(far far future)

about when we have ourselves some little bubbas running around.

Of sticky fingers from lemon curd and homemade strawberry jam..

Of going to oma and opas house and eating canned peaches with vanilla ice cream.

Of doing crafts together and learning about the amazing creatures in this world!

(The HUGE spider I encountered this morning doesn't fall under that category)

I cant wait (Wait, scratch that. I CAN wait) to explore the world with them, to see it through their eyes.

I wonder what kind of a mom Ill be. What will we teach our kids,
with or without meaning too.

Sometimes it seems crazy that we will be entrusted with these little souls.
What a huge responsibility.
Seems a bit overwhelming.
There are so many women that I know that are incredible mothers.
I am in awe of them, of their patience and creativity.

Of their love!

Like my friend from church, we'll call her C.

C has 3 kids, aged 4, 2 and 2 months.

Her kids are beautiful, truly.

They re spunky and funny and adventure seekers!

(The 4 year old is already a full on rock climber!)

When I spend time with C, I'm constantly amazed at her love for her children.

She not only seems to love them, she LIKES them!

She likes being around then, listening to their stories, hearing about their days!

She likes them even when they re miss-behaving and not listening!

She even likes them when the 2 year old is climbing a tree naked!

I know I know, of course she likes them! They're her children!

But Ill admit, one of my biggest fears about becoming a mother is I'm afraid that I wont like my children!

I'm afraid that I will be so sick of the fighting and crying and stress that comes along with motherhood that, even though Ill love my kids, I wont LIKE them.

And just when I'm ready to throw in the towel and go tell Andrew that "Sorry, children are not going to happen!" I get a gentle reminder.

Of all those times that I misbehaved and made bad choices.

All those times that I didn't listen to my parents.

All those times that "I know I'm right" only to find out that, once again, I wasn't.

I cant count the number of times that Jesus has gently led me back onto the right path.

Too many times, sadly.
He is always patient and kind, never quick to anger.
And at once, I'm comforted. Because I know that as long as I'm seeking His face, daily committing my life to Him, there's no way I can fail.
Because He never fails.
He will never fail me, even when I'm at my wits end, with nothing left to give.
He always shows up, even when I feel alone and overwhelmed.
He is just that good.
And because He is that good, I know that I will be OK.
Andrew and I, we will survive.
In fact, we wont just survive, we will live life and enjoy it to the fullest,
because that's what God is about!
Hes about enjoying the small things, seeing beauty in the world,
sucking every last drop of life out of every day,
because in the end, it all goes to fast.

And today, tomorrow and the next, I will live that life and enjoy it!
Because after all, life is sweet.

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